his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
