Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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