i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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