The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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