**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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