One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
