I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
