You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
