3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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