Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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