K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
