listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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