she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
