You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
