shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
