So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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