Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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