i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
