I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
