Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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