You can't special order awesome
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
