the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
