I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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