mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
