Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
