non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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