I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
