i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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