Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
