im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
