we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
