Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
