the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
