For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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