FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
