so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
