I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
