Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
