i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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