i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
