I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
