He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Barsexuality is the new black.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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