a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
