I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
