I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
