you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
