You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
