He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
