Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
