I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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