Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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