Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
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I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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