I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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