$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
